I could do better

I was always the last child, and of course I never felt like I ever measured up to any of my sisters. But this is not really about them, I just don’t feel like I measure up in general. I am constantly comparing myself to other people, their accomplishments and their lives.

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I need to stop! I am working at my life, I am growing up and finding my way!

I am trying so hard to please everyone else that I am literally driving myself insane. I don’t know when it became so important to me to please other people, and I don’t really care.
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I need to live for me. I need to live for my life.

People are sometimes very judgmental and very decided about how you should live, and the outcome of your life.
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I don’t think about other people’s lives like that. I think about if they are happy, I think about if they are good people to me and I think about how they treat others.

But here is the thing – the blame cannot and should not be placed on anyone else but myself. I let people’s judgements creep into my brain, I let their thoughts and feelings take me over, and then they become my own. I am to blame for this.

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As Mommy has always said to me, “You are very sensitive.” And it is true, I am. I am sensitive to other people’s feelings and thoughts, and I tend to neglect my own.

So I have made a decision.

Instead of going through life thinking that I could do, or have done better, I am going to do my best for me, for me and for Joe.

I am learning, so I know I will still sometimes slip and think about what other people want for my life before I think about what I want, but I am going to do better.

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I am me and I am odd, and I am just beginning.

~ Andreah

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