I have marked a little milestone in my life as someone who has epilepsy – I have been seizure-free for 10 months now. TEN whole frickin’ months!
I am so happy and so scared all at the same time. Let me explain:
When you are diagnosed with anything, be it epilepsy or cancer, there is always a fear of the unknown. You can google, webMD and talk to as many doctors as you can until you are blue in the face, but there are no cookie-cutter symptoms.
I was lucky enough for my seizures that most of the time I could feel them coming, and since that feeling has left there is a pit in the bottom of my stomach looking, and waiting for it to come back.
Bad day at work? Where is that feeling?!
Out ’til the break of dawn with friends? Where is that feeling?
Stressed about family/friends/life? Where is that feeling?!
I am looking for it, I am waiting for it. A part of me wants it to come back just to get it over with! Like I am supposed to have one last hurrah!
When we go away, I still pack my emergency case: a heating pad for the aches that ensue afterwards, a security blanket/pillow for me to curl into, the medication that I worked so hard to get off of…just in case.
I have to be prepared, because the moment I am not is the moment it will come back. The moment that I taste that penny and my heart starts to race.
I count down the days and share my leaps with Cody, but I have never really uttered a word about how truly afraid I am that tomorrow will be the day that I have to restart the clock. It happens all the time.
It could be worse, I could still be having them as much and as often as I used to and I could still be medicated.
The future is a scary thing, especially when you are a doomsday preparer!
For now, I will still mark off the days in my calendar and plan my big 1-year celebration. But in the back of my head, I am still waiting for that penny to drop.