I have no self confidence.
And yes, this is a confession.
This is a very negative trait that I am trying to overcome so I can be a better person, a better sister, a better friend, a better girlfriend, and a better me. Let me explain.
I am the last sister, and while this gave me a very different view of the world, it also put my sisters on levels I still don’t think I could ever reach. I feel like they are always right, and I am always lacking, and this is NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES me blaming my sisters. I love my sisters, but I feel like they are very different from me and better people than I could hope to be.
I worry and panic over every decision. I literally put myself into a panic attack because I am worried about not living up to the expectations that I have put into my brain. I just constantly see myself in a negative light, and I am always putting myself down. And I feel especially inadequate next to my amazing sisters.
Here is how I see it:
Julia is a warrior. She is only one of my role models. She is fighting for her happiness. She is such an amazing and charismatic person, and she is helping OTHER PEOPLE fight as well. In my mind, Julia is the head of the sisters, and the head of the world. She doesn’t just want to succeed, she wants everyone to! That is an amazing thing.
Next role model is Toni. Toni is passion. When I see Toni, it is…I have no words. She is like our driving force. She wants us to succeed. She always pushes forward and helps other people push forward too. And makes you stop and look at what isn’t working and then she helps you through it by reminding you of your strength, and your… I just have to say it, inner tigeress. She is amazing and incredible in her passion, and I wish I had some of that bottled when I get down on myself.
Jacqueline was my childhood best friend. In school, no matter what friend tried to be friends with me just to get to her, she wouldn’t let them and she wouldn’t be friends with them. She always tried her best to be my big sister when I was in high school, she has saved my life in more ways than one, and she stopped me from making the stupidest decisions when I was growing up. She is of course another role model because Jacqueline is just plain STRONG, and really, Toni was right, hilarious! I don’t think I could have gone through what she has gone through, and be so amazingly funny and happy and strong. She could probably face a huge a** mountain, like Everest, get slightly frustrated at climbing it, and just say, “Screw that, let’s do this.” And then hike the freaking thing in an afternoon.
If you’ve ever met these women you will understand what I mean. They are three fierce, amazing women, and I got to grow up after all of them. I feel small and unsure, and just weak under the most normal of situations. I am constantly worrying if I am a good enough person to be in anyone’s life, and that is something I want to change.
I don’t take compliments well, and I don’t believe them IF I accept them…but I want to try. I want to see what other people think of me in a positive light, and I want to be able to understand it. That is the goal I guess, that we are understood, or that we understand. I went on the Book of Faces and asked my friends and family on there to tell me something positive about me. I was overwhelmed. I had/have no clue how I can be this amazing person to so many people, but feel almost worthless to myself. I am trying to see what these incredible people in my life think of me and how I can start to see myself like that… Like I said, I am trying.
Here is what some awesome and loving people said about me:
Julia: “Creative. Kind. Awesome.”
Jess: ” You make anyone’s bad day better. Amazing person. Great personality. A rock to those in need of stability. Crazy (in a good way). Insanely missed. You give everything your all and expect little to nothing in return.”
Daniel: “A refreshing personality that makes the whole world brighter without contributing to global warming.”
Amber: “Funny, outgoing, great personality, good friend.”
Steph: “A truly unique person who has had to overcome many hardships in life but always finds the time to be there for those who need your support and understanding. Or in short, my personal therapist for over a decade.”
Joe (my Boy): “The most wonderful person in my life.”
Jamie: “You’re beautiful.”
Elena: “I don’t know what I would do without her. She makes me feel calm and safe when I am with her, despite our crazy and exciting adventures!”
Cathy: “Always there when you need someone to talk to no matter what time it is.”
Betty (my Aunt): “Loving, wonderful, strong, beautiful, brave, and adored by all.”
Sam: “Always up for a good time! Full of energy!”
Kate-Lynn: “Two things that always stand out to me: 1. Despite your own sadness, you will always go out of your way to make someone else smile. 2. You make friends everywhere (in every store) simply by smiling and asking how they are. Then I make friends just standing beside you.”
Christine (my Mommy): “Absolutely awesome!”
Susan (my Cousin): “You are an amazing survivor who brings sunshine on a dull and rainy day. One heck of a photographer and a truly good person. That is why I love you so much.”
Eshaani: “You are a great listener- you tend to soothe people’s pains away and help them reach a decision when their head is a mess.”
Alex: “You are incredibly strong and beautiful.”
I am making it my personal mission to remember all of these positive things people think about me and try to remember that I am a good person. Now go hug your loved ones and tell them something awesome about them – they might just need it.